you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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