went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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