He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
