I wish I could punch you in the face.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
