I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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