Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
