I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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