I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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