I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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