so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
