maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
please come you make the beer taste better
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
