So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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