Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
