onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
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