Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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