i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
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Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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