saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
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she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
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Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The power of my boobs compel you