Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I need water and some morals
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
