I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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