dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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