I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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