i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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