someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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