We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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