smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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