I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
