I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
