My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
