Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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