you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
