I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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