life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
