upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
