how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
