How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
