Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
zippers are such a cool invention
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
