There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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