I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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