i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
