If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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