you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
