You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
