just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
