My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
honey bunches of taint.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
