i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
