I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
