I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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