i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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