look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina