I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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