My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
