so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
