this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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