i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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