The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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