I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
