Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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