if you like me you must not know who I am
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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