where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
