Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.