K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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